Body Image, weight loss, and setting up goals.

So body image and weight have always been an issue with me, ever since I was little.
I'm always trying to lose weight/fat/whatever you want to call it. Basically, I just want to be smaller. Well smaller in the sense that there is less fat on me. I'm short and small enough as it is, but as I gain weight I tend to get wider, and that's what I want to avoid.
For a good 2 years, I was doing really well, lost a lot of weight, put on a good amount of muscle, and was finally at a point where I started to like what my body looked like. It wasn't perfect, but it was getting there. And my face looked thinner too which as someone with a pretty round (and flat, don't get me started on my profile) more weight just makes my face look rounder and flatter. Regardless, those two years were I was actively going to the gym with a trainer and burning those calories, I felt damn good. I could breathe better, I had more stamina, and my self-esteem was finally up! I need to get back there.

I tried this past year, but my depression doesn't leave much room for me to get up and go do something other than work and interacting with my family. But I'm going to try for 2018.

I've noticed something about myself, when I can set a goal with a clear reward at the end of it, I about 85% complete that goal. See me with getting my Associates Degree (the Bachelor's is going to be a lot hard, more on that in the future), I got it and rewarded myself with the Firefly Game Big Damn Crate.
So in order to lose these 30 or so pounds, I'm going to have to set myself similar reward system, but considering how food (and SUGAR) seem to be the cause of where I am now, I'm going to have to figure something else other than "take myself out to a good lunch/dinner".

I've decided to dedicate a page in my bullet journal (more on that in the future as well) to my weight loss, or at least keep track of it.

I've got every 5lbs squared off, and to celebrate these 5lb losses I'm gonna have to come up with a reward. I feel like a child getting gold stars for completed assignments and good behavior. But hey, if it worked when I was a kid, why won't it work at 31? 

Plus this is for the benefit of my health. The added weight (as you can see from the chart, I'm pushing 160lbs) is killing my joints. I can't run long distances because my feet kill me (fallen arches, the extra weight doesn't help), my knees pop going up and down the stairs, and I have a hard time catching my breath and don't get me started on lack of stamina! These are all main reasons alone for wanting to shed this weight.

So while I figure out what to reward myself for those 5lbs increments, I think I've figured out that final 30lbs reward. I'm going to upgrade my Fitbit Charge HR to maybe the Fitbit Iconic (or whatever it out at the moment). 

I don't expect myself to reach this goal within the first few months of the new year, I'm not planning on killing myself to get there, but 5lbs every two months or so would be great. The idea is to lose the weight and KEEP IT OFF. That means gradual changes to my diet and overall lifestyle, goodbye my dear Oreos, how I will miss you.

I also plan on using the Fitbit Coach while it is still too cold for me to run outside (hey I'm from Miami, this North Carolina Winter is too much for me). Once the temps are well above 60F, I'll make the transition to running outside again using Zombies Run, which is what I was attempting to do before the cold came.

I think I can do this. It's not going to be easy, I'm gonna hate myself for doing this, but I'm going to be 32 in January and I need to really start taking care of my body, of my health. While my mental health may not be as easy to take care of, I hope that this stance on my physical health will help that.

Also, need to make sure I don't go overboard and overwhelm myself and keep an idea in my head of what I want. I know I'll never look like Gal Gadot or Stana Katic (I'm only 5'2", I'm not delusional enough to think that weight loss will add 6 inches to my height), or even like actresses who are my height and look tiny as fuck. There are a lot of things against me to reach this goal, but the main obstacle is myself.

Once we get into the new year, I'll post something a little more personal, like measurements and a before picture. 

I think I can do this. I will do this.

God help me.